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Psalm 142 

¹ I cry to the Lord with my voice; *
to the Lord I make loud supplication.
² I pour out my complaint before him *
and tell him all my trouble.
³ When my spirit languishes within me, you know my path; *
in the way wherein I walk they have hidden a trap for me.
⁴ I look to my right hand and find no one who knows me; *
I have no place to flee to, and no one cares for me.
⁵ I cry out to you, O Lord; *
I say, "You are my refuge,
my portion in the land of the living."
⁶ Listen to my cry for help, for I have been brought very low; *
save me from those who pursue me,
for they are too strong for me.
⁷ Bring me out of prison, that I may give thanks to your Name; *
when you have dealt bountifully with me,
the righteous will gather around me.

My spirit languished today. My spirit wallowed. I was weighted with tears and sorrow. I’m not sure why today the anvil came back out and oxygen became tar because it had been a “good couple of days”  (those of us who suffer from depression may recognize that feeling, for the lay-person it means you “didn’t cry and actually showered”).  Then it hit me: I don’t have a job. My work, which I love, which defines most of who I am has ceased to exist. No one wants to buy sell, or rent a home right now. No one needs me to sponsor a concert or buy an ad. I haven’t had a meaningful conversation with my beloved team in days; I haven’t put new keys in a new lock for weeks. One thing is to fight feeling sad when things are ok but another is to fight sadness when there is death, illness, hatred, and lack of purpose. My right hand did not know me, as the psalm said. I had “no place to flee to and no one who cares for me” which meant, to me, there was no “work” no clients needing me.
 
The word “languish” means “to lose or lack vitality; grow weak or feeble” or/and “suffer from being forced to remain in an unpleasant situation” and this is exactly what was happening to me today. I was weak with being forced to remain in an unpleasant situation (as we all are). Then I was done with feeling sad because I genuinely and for real asked God to help me out of my prison and restore my faith, as I have done a number of times before during my depression. After that supplication I  felt His love and my faith, and somehow, I  physically got  out of bed and roasted a chicken for family which is truly my purpose. I went to put music on my phone and ‘siri’ decided to play Keepin’ The Faith by Billy Joel. I read a text from a client who is so excited to move into her first new home, asking me how I am.  And then there was email from Deacon John asking me to write a reflection about “bringing me out of prison” and giving thanks. So, yes, you can wallow and languish  and feel sad, but try to ask for help. You will be lifted out of the darkness--all you have to do is decide to ask.

Psalm 130

¹ Out of the depths have I called to you, O Lord;
Lord, hear my voice; *
let your ears consider well the voice of my supplication.
² If you, Lord, were to note what is done amiss, *
O Lord, who could stand?
³ For there is forgiveness with you; *
therefore you shall be feared.
⁴ I wait for the Lord; my soul waits for him; *
in his word is my hope.
⁵ My soul waits for the Lord,
more than watchmen for the morning, *
more than watchmen for the morning.
⁶ O Israel, wait for the Lord, *
for with the Lord there is mercy;
⁷ With him there is plenteous redemption, *
and he shall redeem Israel from all their sins.

“My soul waits for the Lord, more than watchmen for the morning.”   My understanding of this phrase is that night and morning are metaphors for fear and hope and I wonder if one really excludes the other.  We certainly find ourselves now beset by fear of an invisible, inexorable, terrible threat, but it doesn’t feel as if we are crouching behind the battlements, waiting and hoping that some day some dawn will shine and all will be different.  For me, faith in the Lord and his mercy is a source of strength and humility throughout this long night and to wait for the Lord is to be aware of the human struggle and suffering all around us and to believe that commitment to our fellow human beings has meaning.

Exodus 5:1-6:1

⁵Afterwards Moses and Aaron went to Pharaoh and said, ‘Thus says the Lord, the God of Israel, “Let my people go, so that they may celebrate a festival to me in the wilderness.” ’ ²But Pharaoh said, ‘Who is the Lord, that I should heed him and let Israel go? I do not know the Lord, and I will not let Israel go.’ ³Then they said, ‘The God of the Hebrews has revealed himself to us; let us go a three days’ journey into the wilderness to sacrifice to the Lord our God, or he will fall upon us with pestilence or sword.’ ⁴But the king of Egypt said to them, ‘Moses and Aaron, why are you taking the people away from their work? Get to your labours!’⁵Pharaoh continued, ‘Now they are more numerous than the people of the land ^* and yet you want them to stop working!’ ⁶That same day Pharaoh commanded the taskmasters of the people, as well as their supervisors,⁷‘You shall no longer give the people straw to make bricks, as before; let them go and gather straw for themselves. ⁸But you shall require of them the same quantity of bricks as they have made previously; do not diminish it, for they are lazy; that is why they cry, “Let us go and offer sacrifice to our God.” ⁹Let heavier work be laid on them; then they will labour at it and pay no attention to deceptive words.’

¹⁰ So the taskmasters and the supervisors of the people went out and said to the people, ‘Thus says Pharaoh, “I will not give you straw. ¹¹Go and get straw yourselves, wherever you can find it; but your work will not be lessened in the least.” ’ ¹²So the people scattered throughout the land of Egypt, to gather stubble for straw. ¹³The taskmasters were urgent, saying, ‘Complete your work, the same daily assignment as when you were given straw.’ ¹⁴And the supervisors of the Israelites, whom Pharaoh’s taskmasters had set over them, were beaten, and were asked, ‘Why did you not finish the required quantity of bricks yesterday and today, as you did before?’

¹⁵ Then the Israelite supervisors came to Pharaoh and cried, ‘Why do you treat your servants like this? ¹⁶No straw is given to your servants, yet they say to us, “Make bricks!” Look how your servants are beaten! You are unjust to your own people.’^* 17He said, ‘You are lazy, lazy; that is why you say, “Let us go and sacrifice to the Lord.” ¹⁸Go now, and work; for no straw shall be given you, but you shall still deliver the same number of bricks.’ ¹⁹The Israelite supervisors saw that they were in trouble when they were told, ‘You shall not lessen your daily number of bricks.’ ²⁰As they left Pharaoh, they came upon Moses and Aaron who were waiting to meet them. ²¹They said to them, ‘The Lord look upon you and judge! You have brought us into bad odour with Pharaoh and his officials, and have put a sword in their hand to kill us.’

²² Then Moses turned again to the Lord and said, ‘O Lord, why have you mistreated this people? Why did you ever send me? ²³Since I first came to Pharaoh to speak in your name, he has mistreated this people, and you have done nothing at all to deliver your people.’

 “Why me?” Have you ever said those words? Or better yet:  “Why me, God? I worship you, I pray, I do my best to live out Your word. So why me?!!”  I know I have uttered those words once or twice (at least). We are raised in a society that encourages good deeds.  Good deeds with the expectation that if we do good work we will be rewarded.  For instance: I eat healthy and exercise so I should not suffer any chronic diseases. I work hard at my job so I should be promoted.  I did “X” as I was asked so I should get “Y” the reward.  Fill in the blank.  But when we do the work and don’t get the reward life can feel unfair, to say the least.
 
In this passage, God directs Moses to ask Pharaoh to allow the Israelites to take three days to go into the wilderness to offer a sacrifice. You would think that if God told you to do something and you did it it should work out.  Surely, Moses had the same expectation, but what happened was quite different.  Instead of Pharaoh saying: Of course, Moses, if the Lord wants it then yes, Pharaoh instead questions God, berates Moses and then punishes the workers making them do more work, more difficult work, all because Moses did what God asked him to do!  Even worse, the workers turned on Moses.  How is that fair? Moses turns to God and asks: Why did you send me? Why are you not helping us?! God responds to Moses’ cry and assures him that He will deliver the people of Israel and that they will be freed. And God always keeps his promises.
 
In moments of pain, heartache, death, unemployment, despair, illness, and separation it is difficult to see God at work.  It can be difficult to know if he is even there. If he really is, then why am I suffering so much?  Over time, I have come to believe that God does not create pain, heartache, death, unemployment, despair, illness or separation.  He does not make us feel those things. Instead, I have found that God promises to deliver us from those dark moments.  I find He uses those darker moments in my life to draw me closer. When I have experienced those low moments, and after the “Why me’s” have faded away, I have found myself closer to God than ever before. Why me? That’s why.