Psalm 119:105-106
Your word is a lantern to my feet* and a light upon my path.
I have sworn and am determined* to keep your righteous judgments.
Who holds the lantern? Who is the light? The obvious answer is God, right? We hold the lantern, and God is the light. And there’s mercy and comfort in that. All I have to do is hold this lantern right here and walk the path that God is guiding me down. So easy, right? So simple. And yet, I have so many follow up questions. There is no mention of whether the path is curved or straight, hilly or flat, scattered with jagged rocks and rough branches or clean and freshly paved. There’s no mention of who I may meet along my path. Who journeys with me? Who is on an opposite path which may appear more brightly lit and easier somehow? How do I know this path, my path, is actually the right one for me? Is there one single right path or are there multiple out there, equally fruitful and enticing? And so on and so forth.
These verses from scripture remind me of one of the most profound things I have been taught during my medical residency training. A faculty member once told me that the best clinician has to learn how to live with uncertainty. The clinician uses her medical knowledge to bring her to a certain point along the winding path to diagnosis, then faith takes over; she may never ascertain the exact etiology of the patient’s disease but in using her best medical judgment she is less likely to do harm to the patient. In trusting in the facts of the case, her intelligence and her instincts, the clinician is likelier to get closer to the truth of the matter, the heart of the thing.
During these days of early sunsets and winter chill, of science deniers and alternative facts, of so much research and information pouring in at all times, in this time of Advent, I find it so difficult to just hold the lantern and focus on the light to guide me. I’m only human after all, and prone to distraction, jealousy and resentment – easily angered and hounded by fear. Am I doing the right thing, thinking the right thing, being the right thing are among the circuitous thoughts that plague my brain during this global pandemic. Oftentimes, I begin work before daylight and leave well after nightfall, and am in a flurry of panic during every moment in between wondering if anything I’m doing is making any difference, if I know anything at all. And I’m a pediatrics resident! Not always in an ICU or surrounded by the very sick and dying, which makes me feel slightly ridiculous to be so overwhelmed.
So, the thing I love the most about this passage is that it gives a narrative solution to my distress and grief. There is no mention of the difficulty or ease of the path, because instead I am reminded to center myself and trust in God. Trusting in God and walking my path is how I keep my ever-renewing vow to honor God’s judgments. I am reminded that all I need is my lantern, The Light, and my vow. I am called to see all that can be done if I am faithful, steadfast and true. Trusting in God is the only way to travel to the place the lies just beyond fear, resentment, anger, jealousy and distraction which will always be there along my path. Trusting in God is how I illuminate my best self. My comfort is to understand that God is always there as my guiding light as I journey forward one step at a time.